I saw this book at the library and thought to myself, “WHAT THE FUCK! What’s next, the Fox and Friends ABC’s?” And then I got inspired to ponder what that might look like.

A is al-Qaeda, they’re hiding under your bed.

B is for Bush, Christ on Earth until Christ returns.

C is for capitalism, keeping poor people in their place

D is for Democrat or devil, they’re the same thing

E is for evil, again referring to the Democrats

F is for freedom, why the terrorists hate us.

G is for gay marriage, why god sent us hurricane Katrina

H is Halliburton, a shining example of American business ethics and ingenuity.

I is for ignorance, the reason our ratings are so good.

J is for Jesus, ‘cause we want to get into heaven

K is for karat, help out our sponsors and sell your wedding ring to pay for groceries.

L is for labor force, damned socialists

M is for money, in god we trust

N is for Nazi, (see Democrat)

O is for Obama, (see Muslim, socialist, freedom hater who wants take your guns and teach your kids to be gay)

 P is for pagan, anyone who doesn’t watch Fox.

Q is for quadratic equation, we don’t know what it is but it sounded smart.

R is for Republican, the party prophesied by the bible to deep-throat all other countries with our big democracy cock.

S is for Sarah Palin, she’ll always be V.P. in our hearts

T is for Trump, Vote Trump in 2016

U is for USA, USA! USA! USA!

V is for vote Republican, or god will send you to hell.

W is for Watergate, was it really all that bad?

X is for xanthochroids, that’s a word, right?

Y is for Yankee, the south will rise again.

…and Z is for zilch, the amount of substantive programming you will see on our network.