Death to America: the Rick Santorum Story

So, Ricky won Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri yesterday. I truly believe we as a nation would probably be better off without all the people who vote for guys like Rick Santorum. Is that wrong? Oh, well. Let’s give them Utah or Nebraska; a big, open, landlocked state that doesn’t have too much important shit in it. Then we build a wall around them. We can get the materials from that dumbass wall Bush started building between Mexico and Texas. But I digress. Bush was his own special kind of asshole and we are talking about this asshole. For the record I have used profanity four times so far. Consider yourself warned.

Following are some of Ricky’s more famous words of inspiration and my commentary on each one. We’ve all heard these quotes and commentary on them but obviously some people NEED A FUCKING REMINDER of the new low that a president Santorum would take this nation to. I have bolded the particularly alarming parts of these quotes. These aren’t in any special order or rank. The numbers are arbitrary. It would be fun to make a game of it though. “Which Quote is the Dumbest?” It would have to be a drinking game.

1) On homosexuality…

            "If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything... In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing."

            Ok, first of all being gay or lesbian and having sex with a child or a dog AREN’T THE SAME FUCKING THING YOU JACKASS!!! Jesus H. how the hell is this man in politics. He just said that homosexuals might as well be child molesters or practice bestiality. Not that it matters but on a side note children and dogs aren’t consenting adults. He is saying that homosexuals are no better than rapists. I know gay and lesbian teachers. We don’t let child molesters become teachers.

… ß That’s me walking away from my computer for a little break before my brain explodes.

…And we’re back.

            I should also add that there have been societies throughout human history that made room in their culture for homosexual and bisexual relationships. The Sumerians, Etruscans, Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, many Native Americans (some of whom actually had a definition for a third gender) and nearly every other group of people throughout history took no issue with homosexuality. It isn’t until the Holy Roman Church gets their dirty little mitts on western civilization is it ever a problem. Google that shit Ricky!

            "Is anyone saying same-sex couples can't love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too? [Gay marriage] threatens my marriage. It threatens all marriages. It threatens the traditional values of this country. I'll die on that hill [fighting for a ban on gay marriage]."

            I wish one of these morons could explain to me exactly how gay marriage threatens their own marriages. Like, if gay marriage is legal suddenly straight couples everywhere will become so disillusioned that they will just throw in the towel and say “screw it, why try?” He says that gay marriage threatens his marriage. It sounds like he suspects his wife of something very naughty. Am I alone, or does anyone else wish that he would actually die on that hill? Too far?

            “This is an issue just like 9-11. We didn’t decide we wanted to fight the war on terrorism because we wanted to. It was brought to us. And if not now, when? When the supreme courts in all the other states have succumbed to the Massachusetts version of the law?”

            Now homosexuals are terrorists. ASSHOLE!!!

  

2) On foreign policy...

            "All the people who live in the West Bank are Israelis. There are no Palestinians. This is Israeli land."

            HOLY SHIT!!! Rick Santorum is a magician on a scale that pales Dumbledore, Gandalf, and Merlin combined. He just says the word and an entire people group belonging to an ancient culture and tradition simply disappear. Who’s next!? “There are no Democrats!” “There are no poor people!” Let me give it a try. There are no Santorum constituents! Fuck, it didn’t work. (Ok, that one actually made me LOL)

            "I would be saying to the Iranians, you either open up those facilities, you begin to dismantle them and make them available to inspectors, or we will degrade those facilities through air strikes, and make it very public that we are doing that."

            This last one sets a new precedence. Never before has a candidate declared war before even being elected president. I don’t care how you slice it. He just declared war on Iran. That’s lovely. I don’t even need all of his other crazy babblings. I wouldn’t vote for him on this ground alone.

            “I don’t want to go to a trade war, I want to beat China. I want to go to war with China and make America the most attractive place in the world to do business.”

            Is there anyone he doesn’t want to go to war with?

            “I think we should send a very clear message that if you are scientist from Russia or North Korea or from Iran, and you are going to work on a nuclear program to develop a nuclear bomb for Iran, you are not safe.”

            Nope, I guess not. What’s next? “I hate skiing. Let’s bomb Norway.” Why did he have to name names? Couldn’t he just say, “Hey, don’t give Iran nukes?” It sounds like he really misses the Cold War.

3) On the poor…

            "Look at the political base of the Democratic Party: It is single mothers who run a household. Why? Because it's so tough economically that they look to the government for help and therefore they're going to vote. So if you want to reduce the Democratic advantage, what you want to do is build two parent families, you eliminate that desire for government."

(Deep breathe)

            This one is personal. I was raised by a poor single mother. She always had a job. Sometimes she had two and went to night school. She got grants from the government to pay for school and yes, we received welfare benefits sometimes. She was a single mother because my father was a lying, cheating, abusive drug addict and I have the scars to prove it. I have zero fucking tolerance for deadbeat dads and I find Santorum’s comments disgusting and deplorable. Should my mother have stayed in that abusive and dangerous relationship? Besides, his information couldn’t be further from the truth. The Democratic political base is single mothers? What the hell? Not even close.

… (exploded brain averted)

            "I don't want to make black people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money and provide for themselves and their families."

            The context here is that he is talking about welfare reform and poverty. He is implying one or all of three things here. Either he’s saying that only black people use welfare, or the only poor people are black people, or he only wants to deny poor black people welfare benefits and not poor white people. Which asshole does he want to be?

            “I mean, you have people who don’t heed those warnings and then put people at risk as a result of not heeding those warnings. There may be a need to look at tougher penalties on those who decide to ride it out and understand that there are consequences to not leaving.”

            This is his response to the people who suffered and continue to suffer through the destruction and aftermath of hurricane Katrina. You know who didn’t evacuate Louisiana and Mississippi? POOR PEOPLE!!! Ricky is saying that we should charge the poor people who didn’t have the wherewithal to walk hundreds of miles with a crime. Does his audacity have no limits?

            And the coup de grace…

            “If you’re a Christian, suffering is a part of life. And it’s not a bad thing, it is an essential thing in life … There are all different ways to suffer. One way to suffer is through lack of food and shelter and there’s another way to suffer which is lack of dignity and hope and there’s all sorts of ways that people suffer.”

            I will permit those of you who found this as shocking as I did a moment to collect yourselves.

            WHAT THE FUCK!!! A lack of dignity and hope; homelessness and starvation are an “essential” part of life and “it’s not a bad thing?” This is where I begin to feel hatred towards someone. When has he EVER been without dignity!? When exactly did he serve his time as a homeless and starving person!? Children are dying and he thinks it’s a good thing. That may be a leap but it fucking works. He is an Ayn Rand fan by the way.

            “Yeah, remember, under the Bush administration, welfare — I mean, excuse me, poverty among African Americans and among single unmarried women, poverty was at the lowest rate ever in the history of this country. So Obama’s policies are not working, Bush polices worked! For long a time as a matter of fact.”

            Ok, this is just a bold-faced lie. Poverty across the board rose dramatically under Bush. The economic collapse was under Bush. Unemployment reached its highest rate since the depression under Bush. I think Ricky’s been getting his “facts” from Glen Beck.

4) Random crazy shit he said…

            "One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It's not okay. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be."

            First of all, where the hell is this “sexual realm” you speak of? Why didn’t anyone tell me about it? “Sexual realm” sounds like a parallel universe where everyone is getting laid all the time. We need to get our physicists to work on that shit. I’ll vote for the candidate who promises funding for a trans-universe spaceship to the sexual realm.

            All kidding aside, he is an idiot. He is assuming that the only people using contraceptives are sex crazed and depraved teenagers and prostitutes. Married couples use birth control also. Most of us don’t want thirty-seven children. People are going to have sex and lots of it. Is he suggesting that if we get rid of the birth control that people will stop having sex? Not likely. It is natural and fun and fundamental part of our nature as a species. If anything is unnatural it’s not having sex.

            “I would argue this right to privacy doesn't exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution.”

            What can I say? This one doesn’t even need commentary.

            "Drill everywhere... There is no such thing as global warming."

            Again, Rick Santorum is a wizard. He just made global warming disappear. Let me take another stab at it. Morons who disregard solid, measurable scientific facts don’t exist. Curses, how does he do that?

            “The American Left hates Christendom. They hate Western civilization.”

            This has gone on long enough. I will end with this last one. According to nearly any pole you look at the U.S. is split almost 50/50 Democrat and Republican; liberal and conservative. With this statement he has just generalized, marginalized, and made an enemy of half of the country. He might as well have just said that all the women in the country hate god and America. He wants to be the president of the United States of America. That means all of us. Even those he doesn’t agree with. He is responsible to listen to all of our voices. He has already said that he not only won’t be listening to half of us but he actually equates us with fascists, communists, and terrorists. By the way, there are America loving, Christian Democrats as well.

            Please America; please don’t elect this man president. I believe in you. I believe we can do much, much better. And no, I sure as hell don’t mean Newt-fucking-Gingrich either.

(From now on anytime you think of him you have to think Newt-fucking-Gingrich. Rick-fucking-Santorum, Hey, it works for him too!)